writing place

     ok, so far my life is officially gone to the shits! sergio the dumbass that he is rejected me, then not even a week later starts parading around with this other bitch! you know what he siad to me right? well, to refresh your memory he said that a relationship is the LAST thing he needs right now. well, if thats sooo true then how come he went out with her. it doesn`t matter anyway im done with him, i really hope he does burn in hell for his sins. but every now and agin when i see leslie and angel with there BF`s then the conversation i had with zeus runs through my mind. he told me that its fun and stuff. well then if its sooo fun then why have i gotten rejected and hurt by the boys i actually did like!  is that fun? im so tired of this, im just gonna give up for a long time. like until i die maybe.

 ok this is my conversation wit sergio 2day.

Sergio says:

ok

sammy says:

so whats wrong?

Sergio says:

a lot

sammy says:

ive got time

Sergio says:

Okay Y do u like me?

sammy says:

ehhh??!!

Sergio says:

I know you like me Sam

sammy says:

cats outta the bag huh?

Sergio says:

long time

sammy says:

how did you find out?

Sergio says:

Everyone

sammy says:

everyone who?

Sergio says:

plus it takes half a brain cell to figure out

sammy says:

ooo

Sergio says:

yeah

sammy says:

so yeah....

Sergio says:

I guess thats all we have to say about that

 so yeah thats it. now i really kno that my feelings don`t matter worth a shit. so i geuss i`ll just be single for all time and be the werid ugly cat lady. and sit a home with all of my stupidness for not figureing this out sooner. not that it it surpises me much. i mean just like everyone else hes the one person i thought wouldn`t do that. but of cource it happend and i don`t feel good bout it. my heart hurts like a knife was shoved through it. an that exactly what he did. but you know me. i wouldn`t do that. im sammy.

  ok so lately, i`ve discovered that i DO like sergio. i know hard to believe huh? well, i do and you know what i found out yesterday from krystal? that he likes me 2, but doesn`t think i can do the whole long term realationship thing HE wants. now i should be happy about the news yes, but im ot cuz he really doesn`t kno me after all. i can do long term i DONT do long distance. thats all. but no! apparently now it doesn`t really matter times infinety because he moving. so all i gotta do is swallow my, once again broken heart, and make sure he at least has happy memories of me before he goes. then when i tell christine she says that i should focus on me, so i asked her what she meant and she said that she doesn`t get me. that i should kno what she means and she said it in a really mean way. this is why i wish i was neva born, cuz then i would have to go through this pain, but none of them kno im in this much pain, i geuss it really doesn`t matter cuz im SOOO STUPID.

 ok, srry i haven`t written in a while. my lifes been crazy lately. like this week in US history we`re learning about corperations. im really starting to understand them too. its not the money that their after its the material things they can buy with it. and selling their products. but because of them, people have that excact same "disease" themsleves. its really messed up. then sergio the Dumbass he`s kinda werid lately. like he`s avoiding me. not that that changes much from his usual attitude towards me. then last night we had a pep band thing and i was reading "silver kiss" the entire time, when i wasn`t playing, and i figured out that the book is gonna be one of those fast paced action things at the end. so i decided to tell krystal. thats was dumb, she was pissed about something, so you know what she did? she took it out on me when i tried to tell her. and that pissed me off big time, she had no right to do that. no matter how made she was! then after that, i finished putting my stuff away in my locker then i went  to go talk to my friends, but geuss what? they had all left! not even saying goodbye. so i sat outside the band doors and waited for my dad, all th while watching other people leave and get picked up. i was the last one there when my dad finally came. i hurt so bad that i really wanted to die or get hit by a falling meteor or something. then cody`s dumb ass comes over this morning and joesph and his dumbass starts acting all dumb, like he`s all high and mighty. i swear one of these days im just gonna hurt him to knock em straight. then not even 10 minutes ago my sister and her dumbself say that i can`t play me new game in our room cuz she wan`t to watch her dumb repeats of her dumb shows. man im having about the worst week ever in history!!!

   yay, today is christmas, hooray! ill tell you what i got, it was alot of statues for my collection some icky make-up and 2 giftcards to barnes and nobles. it was awsome except for the make-up that kind ticked me off cuz my mom thinks hat just because i starighten my hair that im gonna start wearing make-up. EWWWWW! then at our christmas dinner/lunch she asks me "can you get me some pie with whipped cream?" that may be a question but i can`t refuse it cuz its my mom. you don`t tell her no it sucked! now im all excited to spend my giftcards for some well deserved books. and OMG sergio is being such a dickhead! he acts all werid as of late and he never talks to me and the worst of it all is i think i "like" him. GOD, i can`t stand this! my plan for this year doesn`t involve crushes or stuff like that. but i can`t help it i really do wish that he would notice but thats sergio for ya. and to make things worse then what they are i checked my phone this morning for messages but as usual nothing, no merry christmas nothing. it felt soo awful, but its not like this isn`t uncommon. oh well my life cant sink any lower then it already has.

             ok, so my week is going ok so far. yeah im sorta happy, i got a letter in football as a manager and all. but then calvi as im walking down the hall says all loud that we (as in me and the other managers) didn`t diserve it! im like WTF?!  then this morning i hear from my bestest friend mandi (aka amanda) that sergio is turning all stalker on her. like before then bell even rings he`s outside her classroom waiting. i mean that really weird, why would he do that? it doesn`t make sense.....oh well. then tonight i ask my dad if he wants to come with me to the play at our school (romeo and juliet) but as always he says "mom has to work and i can`t leave the boys here alone" yeah yeah whatever so i geuss ill ask tasha if she`s still going. or i`ll just go alone, as always! and why is it that people always feel the need to use the guilt trip on me? i mean all this week when i wasn`t sitting with jessica i sat with tasha and brittany. but then holly always comes up and says "i geuss ill go alone, sense nobody likes to sit with me" i mean really thats not fair. but i can`t yell at her for some reason. its not fair though, im a nice person, why does this always happen?! i do have OTHER friends that i would like to sit with i can`t always be with her! i no in way made an obligation to sit with her all week at lunch. GRRRRRRRRR!!!

 srry i haven`t written lately, ive been letting life pass me by. so here`s so far. sergio wanted to break up with his girlfirend because she didn`t love him as much as he loved her. so i get an IM and sergio says that he wants to commit suicide, then he gets off and im sitting here all night wondering and worried sick about him. then he says in that very same IM "every time i find a light out of the dark tunnal you always turn the light off." so now i feel really giulty thinking that he blamed all his troubles on me. and that didn`t exactly make my day. so even now i feel all bad, but the next morning when i saw him i didn`t like everytime i was hurting, i faked my signiture smile. ive perfected it so much lately that nobody can see through it. so now i get a txt from sergio and he says that his girlfirend broke up with him. and that he was going to commit suicide but didn`t because of the people like me who cared. frankly i think thats BULLSHIT. apparently he doesn`t remember what he said. but i geuss it doesn`t matter, anyway then holly keeps coming up to me during lunch making it worse by talking about her dad and how he`s in the hospital and on life support. she even started crying. it was really sad, i mean the only reson i try to sit away from her is so that she can make new friends. but that isn`t exactly working. and to really make me happy go lucky, krystal`s being dumb, shes going out with roger and he wants sleep with her and she doesn`t care if she lives or dies. and her has decided to let her make the mistake, but what she doesn`t seem to understand is that this "mistake" could ruin her entire life! ive seen too many girls at school get pregnant and drop out. yet krystal herself is going to make that very same mistake. so basicly all i want to do right now is die. but so far nobody can see ot but me. i could never really see what my face looked like when i was pretending but it must be really good. because why i look in the mirror all i see is an ugly girl who no guy wants and eveyone hates. wow thats my life is prospective. whatever i doesn`t matter..........................................................................  

ok, so today was good until me and sergio started talking. then me and my STUPID self asked him a STUPID question. well heres the conversation

can you answer me something?

Sergio says:

what

sammy says:

why do you people make it look so easy

Sergio says:

make what look easy

sammy says:

falling in love? why is it?

Sergio says:

jeez look ur closed to love you dont look for it on the other hand i have always looked for it try looking for love true love and you will find it

sammy says:

no no no.

sammy says:

i mean why does it look so easy? like love is just like breahting.

Sergio says:

Because thats what it is you know how people search for the meaning of life well everyone has their own mine was to find love

sammy says:

ok. but why? why do people feel the need to be close to others?

Sergio says:

beacause humans are social beings

Sergio says:

when im with kayla im happy and she is happy wich makes us complete

sammy says:

what if there is a piece that has no other half. like you and her are like to haves of a whole.

Sergio says:

yeah but everyone has another half no matter who you ARE

sammy says:

what if there is no "other half?"

Sergio says:

But there is

sammy says:

how?

Sergio says:

look people give up early but its better not to look you will find that other half the problem is your not looking

sammy says:

ok,but what if the one half isn`t even a half but a nothing.

Sergio says:

ther is a half look please ill help you if you want

sammy says:

no no its just that i was confused. and if i asked someone else they would start to worry

Sergio says:

Just do it like I just told a friend If you like someone who likes you ask them you might just find love

sammy says:

theres no such thing.

Sergio says:

dont you ever fucking say that okay look love might not be verry clear but its there i have spent my lif elooking for it and I have found it okay no matter how hard it gets never say there is no true love okay

sammy says:

srry

Sergio says:

look dont give up okay that is the number one rule of the love game

Sergio says:

its better to keep an open mind

sammy says:

i geuss

Sergio says:

Look Im ur friend and ill help you if you need anything just tell me

sammy says:

im fine.

Sergio says:

Ill help u find a BF

yeah thats it. me and my stupid self. i don`t need anybody. not a friend, not a boyfriend, not ANYONE.......................

 hey whats up? sorry i haven`t written lately. ive been really busy, today krystal got the brilent idea to have a boy girl party thing at her house  this weekend. way to make me feel bad, huh. because everyine she invited is gonna bring their boyfriends and krystal can`t bring hers because shes still hiding the fact from her mom that their still "going out". so except her i`ll be all alone. she acts like her life is so tough! like the worlds gonna end if she isn`t there in the morning. so far the only thing she`s accoplished in doing is making my life even harder. true i love her god know what end, but she has a way of pissong me off BIG TIME. then yesterday i get a call from her mom at like 8 oclock and shes looking for krystal. well, geuss what. me and my dad dropped her off at around 6. yeah then i find out this morning that she got a ring from "dumb-ass"aka roger. well, how the hell did she get it if she wasn`t with roger. yeah so you know what she told me? she told me she was at a friends house helping her with her HW. thats BULLSHIT and she knows it. i even have a mind to tell her mom. cause she freaked out today infront of carol cause she didn`t want her to see that she had rogers ring on. well, i hope that guy burns in hell, for all the trouble this guy is causing. yeah thats how the past few days have been, just a heping helping of hell.

                                                                                       SOMEBODY SHOOT ME!!!!!!

 

  ok so basicaly my day sucked. the end anyway, me and krystal got in to a fight and now she feels really bad! then she says that i don`t tell her whats on my mind. somethimes i do and sometimes i don`t. but the things im going through right now she can`t even relate with. all her life she`s had guy ask her out that wanted to go out with her, but me theres nothing nobody only me and the darkness i seemed to be trapped in. today i also saw sergio after school and he said that he would e-mail me, but of cource im not good enough to tell the truth to. he didn`t even leave a little note e-mail thing. ive got krystals e-mails and my own. yep my life is really down the shit hole.

 i just friggin read krystals journal thing right well, now she`s all worried about me! damn i don`t need this!! she wonders why i don`t talk to her. well, in my oppion its none of her concern wether on not i get hurt. im still gonna hurt no matter what! and yesterday i found out something. I LIKE MY BEST FRIEND INA MORE LIKE LIKE KINDA WAY. butthen i figured out today that he likes a skinny little blonde wanna be bitch! so its now offical! I GIVE UP! NO MORE BOYS NO MORE LOVE ANYTHING!! IM TIRED OF ALWAYS BEING HURT AND MY CHEST BEING NUMB ALL THE TIME. today i had to plaster a smile on my face just to hide the fact that i was extreamely hurt! i hate it all of it! i just don`t wanna hurt anymore, don`t wanna.........

so today was kinda ok. and a little annoying,but ok never the less. frist i got really lucky in health we were supposed to present our who am i projects and well as you know(i hope anyway) i have what i call extreme stage fright. but ms. sol said that i didn`t have too, so i was uber happy about that. then i got to hang out with jessica and tasha. it was fun, plus i saw some funny people in the halls because it was crazy day where we had to dress up really carzy some peoples outfits made me laugh really hard. and to make things a little better, me and sergio finally made up! an`t that great?! well,anyway i decided to let him read whats written in this little journal of mine so i hope he understand me situation a little better. maybe yes maybe no. but im taking a big chance. some things i`ve wriitten aren`t for the eyes of some people,but i trust him and hope he understands with all my heart.

  i hated today!! man frist i was soo bored it outa be punishable by law. then when we went to get krystal some more clothes from her house she brought fucking rogers ID with her! god damn i hate that guy to death!! all she seems to focus on is him! it makes me soo mad! and sergio oh man he really is pissing me off! just like krystal he`s focusing all his time and energy in to making krystal happy. and he don`t care about other peoples feelings he walks over just to make her that way! and then i read her livejournal thing and oh i can`t belive it! THE ONLY THING SHE FUCKING TALKED ABOUT WAS ROGER! AND HOW SHE MISS`S HIM AND ALL THAT MUSHY CRAP! WHY ME? WHY CAN`T I JUST GET SOMETHING TO HIT ME THROUGH THE HEART! IM SURE THAT WOULD MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY NOW WOULDN`T IT?! I DON`T REALLY CARE ANYMORE I CAN`T TAKE IT MUCH LONGER! ANYTHING BIG LIKE RIGHT NOW AND IM GONNA HAVEAN EMOTIONAL BREAK-DOWN!

  ok so today was a BIG shocker! frist sergio caught up to me in the halls and he wouldn`t let me go! he had me in a vice grip hug! it was annoying yet sweet. but lately i donno what i want from him he asked me wether i want the old fun sergio back,i do but i don`t want him to change into something he isn`t. but whenever i see him in the halls and he doesn`t see me,its like i want him to turn around and see but i don`t. i donno wether to hug him back or just start crying. becasue im so tired of hurting inside and its killing me. oh i don`t know what to do!!!!! then to add to my stress andy asked me yo homecoming!! i can`t handle all this, im gonna have a emotional break down!!! but i called him and told him i can`t because kayla`s birthday partys on that night. he was ok with it inthe end. but sergio, well i donno what to do. i try SO hard to keep my heart in one piece by the end of the day,but lately when i see him it just like i wanna cry really hard. OH WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!!!!!!

 ok so today basically sucked ass! frist krystal and leslie got intoa fight and we had to break that up. then the new manager simone,she is such a bitch! all she did during practice was give us attitude! even when we tried to be nice. and kaylee well she still treats me like her personal coat hanger. and then krystal got her backpack stolen but she thinks that maybe she left it in her band locker witch only further pissed me off. and now when i was talking to sergio on myspace we got into a fight because ever sence he met krystal and supposedly "fell in love" he`s changed. he doesn`t want to goof around anymore or anything! so when i go and try to talk to mom she just ignores me. some parent she is. and now im all sad and depressed and about to cry. i donno weather i will be able to face him at school tommarow. im afraid ill break out into tears when i see him. that would suck, wake up in the morning go to school and start crying. god damn! i won`t be that weak! no no no no!! then he`s talking about how hes trying to explain life with staements and crap saying "is life really living without love?" god thats soo cheezy! but it doesn`t relate to me and never will. only hes so blind that he can`t see me suffering in the backround. figures no one ever does.

 ok, so today i got the biggest news ever! sergio asked krystal out!! but she turned him down for that damn roger!! oh god!!! anyway,what i wrote about me being jealous,well i thought about it again and it turns out im just jealous that people ALWAYS like her or one of my other friends and im left standing in the dust. and oh my god! i just got another e-mail from andy,asking me to go out with him. saying that he loved me and all that. really,i don`t want to go thrrought this another year. and also my dad when i asked him if i could go to the library with krystal he got all pissed off,of cource he said yes but im really tired of not hanging out with my friends after school. so what if i want to go hang out for a little bit. i  don`t have any homework!! but i geuss like always my feelings don`t matter. on ANY subject!! maybe i should just go somewhere faraway where people don`t have to deal with my stupidity. oh god and then today drew she said that maybe i should switch to a ddiffrent instrument! i got so mad!! then she started talking about my so called "issues". so what if i dont act normal by her standers. what the hell does she care. one of these days im just gonna punch in her face!!!

today i coulda lived without. krystal and her dumb self got us a new manager,yes i know this is somethingto be happy for,but she did it without consulting me or kaylee! and me and kaylee HATE her to death! she just needs to be run over by a truck. then to make matters worse this new girl is apprently roger`s nicece! then outta the blue roger himself shows up. oh,why me!! i hate his guts and krystal knows that! yet she went and acted like it was nothing as she started flirting with him!!! EWWWWWW!! it was discusting to watch. i donno why but whatever he does it pisses me off to no end!! why can`t i ever get a break?! anyway,i had alot of time to think during practice and i think ive come to the conclusion that im jealous! yes, me jealous!!i hate it,hate it hate it!!!i don`t want to be jealous.anyway,i also got one thing straight aftermany years of reaserch. guy like skinny girls!! not fat ugly ones like me! i geuss i am forever destined to be alone. all that bull shit about theres a boy out there for me is crap! no one wants to date an ugly fat bitch like me!!!

OMG!!! i just found out that sergio likes my sister/best friend in the like-like way. its like damn! how come people never fall for me. i geuss its true that sence i`m not skinny or pretty no one will like me.tru that mightbe a good thing for my parents,but what about me? whenever i see my sister and john together all happy and lovey-dovey i get really sad. how do i put this, i feel like crying my eyes out basicly.buti can`t cry,not ever that would show my weakness. i know that sounds kinda dumb but its worked for me so far. and none of my friends have ever seen me cry,and they never will if it the last thing i do! no one seems to see how much im hurting but i geuss ive learned to hide my feeling so well, that no one can see it anymore unless its plastered on my face. even krystal my so called sister can`t see how much i hurt. that the real reason i read love storys is to make myself happy inside. to some how belive for a moment that even i could be truly happy and that one day my heart will long for someone who isn`t fictional.but i geuss thats what i get for being as ugly as i am.

   ok,so today we went to a jet car race it was totally awsome! i could see myself driving one of those......ahh it was great. the only draw back was that while i was waiting for the next races to start i had alot of thinking time. and do you know what happens when i think? well,i thought about my life and then heather and john were sitting above me and i could see them holding hands and leaning in each other. it made me kinda sad because,well i knew that i would never have something like that. it was kinda depressing! but then oh geez,my brother joesph was being a total ASS! he knew it was my days b-day today but he was acting all dumb and doing stupid stuff. i just wanted to kill em. and yes i do have more bad knews! krystal my so-called "sister" she got a boyfriend and all last week all she wanted to do after football was go home to see if he was there. and then i find out that he went to the hospital! oh yes, theres more! she told me in a game of truth or dare that he was fingering her before he went to the hospital! GOOD GOD and whats worse she told angel about the hospital thing before me. telling me "i don`t wanna talk about it." she i accepted it but once i saw her and angel writing notes i knew that she told her now i`m really pissed at her. and all my parents seem to think is that i`m "bitching"! GRRRRRR!!!! i just wanna beat somebody up.